Work in Progress

I took a big step today.

I posted previously about my frustration and stress levels and I really haven't improved anything on my own. In fact, I had forgotten that I made it my goal to be less stressed. Bad, I know.

But, today, I decided that I need some extra help in decreasing my frustration/stress/anxiety level. I decided to seek out some treatment, either counseling/meds or both.

I think a lot of the behavior issues we are seeing with Brendan stem from my lack of patience and my frustration/stress levels. The more stressed I get at his behavior, the worse he behaves.

So, I should hear back tomorrow about what to do next. I am actually looking forward to this in weird sort of way-I am looking forward to trying to get back to being the me I liked- and the me that was more patient, more understanding, and just a better mom.

Frustration

I've been feeling very frustrated lately. Frustrated with hubby, frustrated with myself. Frustrated at the kiddo (the older one).

And it's not fair.

I've realized that I've been taking out my frustration with things on my kiddo. Not physically mind you-just being short-tempered and less patient than I should be.

My frustration stems from a lot-I'm frustrated the hubby switched work shifts and is hardly home-and when he does, he sits around. I know he is working long hours, but dammit, so am I...I just don't report to an outside workplace. I work hard every day taking care of kids, hubby, house...and running all the errands, etc. It certainly doesn't qualify as doing nothing.

I have decided though that I really, really need to be more patient with Brendan. I don't like who I have become lately with regards to him-I'm not giving him the time to just be a two year old. I get impatient when he doesn't want to follow my schedule, or wants to dwadle, or just wants to do well, nothing I want to do. I think lately more in terms of "I need to" rather than "he needs to".

It's not fair to him, that's for sure. He needs time to just discover, explore, be a little kid.

So my goal-to be more patient and understanding. To yell less, use a sharp tone less....to make him feel like he is the most loved kid in the world...since of course, he is (along with his brother!)

I have a feeling that right now is just a trying stage...but I'm trying to remember I am the adult, and the one that knows better and has the capacity for patience, understanding and that I need to use them more!

Of course, reading all of this makes me sound like a terrible parent...I don't think I am a terrible parent. I think just the opposite in fact- I work really hard to make sure my children know what is most important-that they are loved, for who they are, no strings attached, and that I can recognize when something isn't going like it should and can admit that to myself and strive to change it.

Wish me luck!

The Zen of Running

I had bootcamp again today. I joined an intense, 12 week bootcamp fitness program run off-base here in Okinawa, by a guy named John. He's pretty awesome-I went to his aerobics/toning classes throughout my pregnancy with Kieran, and now, it's time to get into shape.

Bootcamp was running today. Boy, it's still really hot at 9:30am-way to hot to run. I'm so out of shape after this pregnancy that I'm having a hard time finding my "zen" while running-that point at which you kind of tune stuff out, other than your shoes slapping the pavement, or the rhythym of your breaths going in and out.

Running is such a relaxing, settling activity. One foot after another, always moving forward. Breathe in, breathe out. In and out. At some point, (when I am in good shape) I settle into my "zen"...nothing around me matters anymore. I am just concentrating on moving forward.

I can't wait to get back into shape-into good enough shape to hit this zen zone every time I run. Right now, I'm struggling. I want to be back into great shape-but it's an uphill battle. I have to really watch what I eat, make some changes in my diet, and get working out even more. Bootcamp meets 5 days a week-and I am going to need to add in an additional class 3-4 times a week, to really improve.

It's hard work, but I'm going to have to do it.

For Brendan:

Brendan, my first baby boy, is two. Two has been a challenging age for him (and me!).
So, I wanted to remind myself of all the wonderful things about him.

Ten Things I Love About You:

1. I love, love, love your beautiful blue eyes, and loooong eyelashes!
2. I love the way you say "Oh yes!" when you are responding to a question.
3. I love the way you kiss and hug your baby brother.
4. I love the way your eyes light up at something new and wonderful.
5. I love the way you have started singing the songs I've taught you.
6. I love your adoration of your Mama, Papa and Uncle Ian.
7. I love the way you say "Mommy like that" when you've done something you know I'll approve of!
8. I love the way you've learned to say "please," "thank you," and "excuse me."
9. I love the way that you love me, even if I'm not the perfect mom.
10. Most of all, I love that you are my son and that I have the privilege of being your Mommy.

I am working hard on being patient, understanding, and simply just enjoying the toddler years with you-I know that all too soon, they'll be over and I'll be looking back, wishing to visit them just one more time.