Thoughts from Nearly Half a Lifetime Ago

Today, it was a normal day-wake up, eat breakfast, get the boys ready to leave.

Then, I looked at FB.  And I was reminded of my high school days, and nearly instantly transported back 14 years ago (nearly half of my life ago!) to a time of sadness.

Memories, some that I haven't thought about in years have flooded back to me today.  Fuzzy details.  As each hour has passed today, I have recalled more and more.  Time has dulled the memories-I no longer remember each detail sharply, rather, it is more like recalling a dream.  A bad dream.

14 years ago, two of my classmates died in a car accident.  Two well-liked girls, best friends.  One worked with me at Dairy Queen.  And, one of those fuzzy memories has just popped up...I think they other girl had just started working there as well.  Several of my classmates worked there-we all knew one each other-it was a small school, and many of us had known each other for years.

It was a weekend day....Saturday maybe?  Sunday?  I don't recall.  I just know it was 1996.  March of 1996.  I didn't (until FB) remember the exact day even, though I do recall thinking I would never forget that day.

One of the girls boyfriend's came into Dairy Queen.  (Many of these memories are actually coming to me as I am typing).  Chris, Amy's boyfriend.  He had a police scanner in his car (?).  He had heard an accident report on it.  I don't remember what tipped him off-maybe the location?  A description of the car?  Description of the girls?  A gut feeling?

He (Chris) tried to page Amy.  She didn't answer.  That was unusual.  For some reason, he came into Dairy Queen.  I don't recall why.  We were working-it was a slow day.  Midafternoon?  Late afternoon?  He told us what was going on.  We let him come use the phone behind the counter.  The owner walked in. He was really upset at us letting him behind the counter to use the phone.  I don't remember what happened next.  I don't remember if we got any sort of confirmation at that time.  I don't think so.  I remember feeling disbelief and shock.  Just the night before (at work) Amanda, my other classmate, had asked if I wanted to go to the end of the basketball game after work-and could I give her a ride?  I declined-I didn't really feel like driving a half hour out there so late.  I regretted that for a long time.  It wouldn't have changed anything-but it would have been a nice thing to do.

I can't remember how long I was at work after all of this happened.  I vaguely recall calling my mom...wanting her to pick me up.  I didn't want to drive.  I also remember her getting nearly hysterical when she originally thought it was Gina in an accident-a fellow classmate, a member of my Girl Scout troop, and someone we had known for years.  I do remember quickly reassuring her that it was not Gina, that Gina was fine.

It's a blur after that.  Did I sleep that night?  I have no idea.  Was anything even confirmed that night?  Again, no clue.  I don't even remember how we were told at school.  Was it in our classes?  An assembly?  I don't remember.

I do remember though that Amanda was in my Honors English class.  I remember that empty desk, just a few desks away from me.  I remember all of us looking at it.  Every last one of us.  Our eyes would go to that desk, and we'd have to look away.

I also remember the funerals.  The differences in them.  Amanda's-at the chapel on Peterson.  Very solemn Very sad.    Amy's.  At her church-a Catholic church I believe.  It was sad, of course, but more of a celebration of her life.  A lively eulogy, an urging to remember her as she lived.  I remember food afterwords, cookies and cakes...and the irony of eating cake after a funeral.

I remember it was just before spring break.  I went to California with my family, and with Jason.  Amy and Amanda were supposed to go to California too-I think to maybe visit Amy's sister, who had just had a baby (??).  I remember the entire time I was in California, I thought of them.  Thought of how they should have been enjoying themselves.  

I also remember that desk.  I don't remember how long it sat empty, a Monday through Friday reminder of loss.  I do remember vividly when that desk was filled.  It was the "empty" desk-and the new student got it.  But to us, it wasn't empty.  It was occupied by the spirit of a girl taken too soon-and having someone new sit there was another blow to us all.  It finalized things in some way-before, it sat empty, waiting for it's occupant... and once filled, it slowly turned back into an ordinary desk, occupied by a  ordinary teenage girl, rather than by the ethereal spirit that had lingered there. 

Fourteen years has passed...and this still brings tears to my eyes.  I was not even a good friend...just a casual friend, fellow classmate and co-worker..and yet, it affected us all.